Some twenty years ago a woman decided to have sex with while I was still asleep even though we had agreed beforehand that we weren’t going to have intercourse. It took me quite a long time to come to terms with what happened and how I felt about it, but I finally called it for what it was – rape – and when I did so it became easier to understand and deal with my distrust of women.
I also noticed how many men I talked with told of incidents that by strict definitions were sexually coercive, sexual assault and even rape – yet all of them framed their stories as a bragging story. Remembering how I felt the conflict between “you got lucky” and “I didn’t want that” and how long time it took for me to let what I really felt rather than what I was told/taught to feel “win” I wondered whether they really were lucky or whether they just followed the persuasive script all boys are taught?
I also began to wonder how common this was, why hadn’t anyone ever told me that this could possible happen – not even once in any talks about rape and the importance of consent I had at school and at home were the possibility of a male victim and a female perpetrator mentioned. Being totally unaware of even the concept of a man being raped by a woman was one of the things making it harder to recognize what happened to me for what it really was.
I quickly discovered that just about the only places I could find discussing rape and seemingly taking victims seriously on the internet were feminists groups and blogs. The only thing was that they gendered rape. Except for the occasional mentioning of male-on-male prison rape rape was also there framed as an exclusively male-on-female crime. Bringing up male victims were to say it mildly not very welcome. Bringing up female perpetrators even less so. Being asked “what would you know about being raped?”, being accused of rationalizing female rape by some sort of argumentum ad absurdum – which means that the person accusing me of that thought male rape is absurd, being told “bu-hu”, reading blog-posts and comments arguing whether situations where a unconsenting man waking up to a woman having sex with him should be considered rape or not all made me realize that there was nothing inherently safe in the title feminist despite numerous pleadings that men need feminism and feminism helps men too.
Nevertheless, I kept searching for information about male victimization and female perpetrators and continued to comment on numerous feminist, MRA and other blogs related to male victimization and gender issues in general.
Some people have suggested that I start a blog to collect some of my comments and findings – hence the name – so here I am starting my first blog that will have more than the Welcome to WordPress first post.
When time permits I’ll root out some of my more substantial comments from various places and post it here. I’ll even try to tidy them up a bit, although that ain’t a promise.